Mother's Day

I have such mixed feelings about Mother's Day. For so many years it was such a day of sadness, really more a day of feeling empty. Now I am so grateful to be a mother, but at the same time I know that there are many who have empty arms and sad hearts on this day and I feel for them. I sat in church and my heart ached for those dear to me who long to be mothers, but aren't yet. I hate how they pass out flowers or whatever and even thought they give one to everyone, it still is a painful reminder of what you don't have. One of the counselors in my primary presidency hasn't been able to have kids and the other recently adopted. They are such amazing women, sometimes it is so hard to understand the why to infertility! Also, I love my sweet birth mothers and know that this day certainly has a bit of an extra sting for them. 

Now that the kids are getting older, they really love to spoil me and are constantly planning and scheming with their dad all the things they can do. Vela told me about a week before Mother's Day that she told her dad he should take us all on a cruise for the holiday, but said the wasn't going to happen. Thanks for the awesome suggestion though Vela! Maybe one day! 

I may not have gotten the cruise, but I was spoiled nonstop for about a week, and really am so grateful to get to be the mom of these sweet kids that I feel loved and spoiled every day! 

On Friday Vela had her Mother's Day program at preschool. It is their big, end of the year program and she did so great. Here she is with her teacher Mrs. Yates, who has been wonderful for Vela. 

 Vela made the cutest card for me and gave me this cute plant. 

 I told my husband and kids I didn't want to go anywhere to do anything big on Mother's Day. Things have been so busy and I just wanted to take a nap on the trampoline and snuggle my kids and relax. My mom insisted that we come to her house for dinner and that we couldn't bring a thing. I'm so glad we went. She made ribs and sauerkraut and all kinds of tasty stuff.  I really am blessed to have her for a mother and to live close enough to be spoiled!  

 Hema made this cute little candle holder at school. He brought it home a Friday and asked me about every 10 minutes if I wanted to just go ahead and open it early. So I did, and we waited until it got dark and burned a candle with all the lights off for about 30 minutes while the girls oohed and awed about how talented he was for making it. He is so sweet! 

 Hema got me chocolate covered strawberries and pretzels from a ward fundraiser our Young Women did. They were gorgeous and yummy! 

 I haven't ever really been the type that loves flowers, but it is so fun to see how excited the kids are when I get them. It has made me love to get them. Vela always insists that Hema gets me flowers. I love these beautiful roses I received! 

I also got a great date night out on Saturday with my love for sushi! Yummm! 

Hema and the kids also cleaned the house, massaged my feet, planned a fun movie night with chinese take out on the trampoline in the back yard, gave me a 1,000 hugs, kisses and compliments and were basically pure angels all week long. 

Honestly, I was spoiled rotten! 

My favorite gift of all was an awesome video that Hema and the kids made for me telling me how much they love me and why I am a good mom. They did some sweet dance moves on it too! I'm keeping it close during their teenage years, just in case they are anything like me or Hema were as teenagers. It was so thoughtful and sweet. I can't figure out how to load it, but maybe when Hema gets home he can do it. 

I am beyond blessed and grateful to be a mother and for a loving family that makes me feel like the luckiest girl alive!  

And of course I am grateful beyond words for these 3 brave women who share the title of mother with me! My children's birth mothers are the best!! Love you women to the moon and back! 

Mother's Day!

Mother's Day is such an emotional holiday for me. I longed for so many years to be a mother and I am so very grateful for a day to celebrate motherhood. But at the same time I am aware of how difficult it is for so many others around me. I know it can be a hard day for people in so many different situations. I have friends and family who are hoping to adopt, trying to get pregnant, have recently miscarried, who have not had the chance to get married, and those who have placed their babies for adoption. I know what it is like to cry and wish for a different situation on Mother's Day. To all those sweet women that I know who are hurting today my prayers go out that you will be comforted and at peace! 

The greatest mother I know is my own mom. She is amazing in every way. She raised 8 children who tested and tried her emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally. I have always wanted to be a mother because of the kind of mother I have. She is an example to me in every way and if I can be half the mother she is, I will have been successful! Mom, I am so sorry that I was such a pain in my teenage years. I had to learn a lot of things the hard way. Thanks for always believing in me and seeing me for who I could be! You really are the best! 

The next wonderful mother in my life is my other mom, Hema's mother. She has loved me as one of her own since the beginning. Never have I felt like and "in-law" with her. I have heard a lot of  jokes and complaints about mother-in-laws through the years, but I can honestly say I don't understand that. I love my Katoa mom as my own! She is so talented and such a sweet grandmother. Not to mentioned she raised the most amazing son ever. I am so very blessed to have her as my mother too!

This weekend we got to see these three amazing mothers. The first mothers of our sweet children. I love to see my children interact with their birth mothers. Their courageous decisions are the reason I am celebrating today. I love you ladies so very much!! Words cannot express how grateful I am for you! 

***Grrrr! I can't get this picture to rotate!!!!***

And of course I am so grateful that I get to be a mother! These 3 little ones have brought me more joy and happiness than anything else could. I love them so much! 

Happy Mother's Day!!!!!

Mothers Day

I am so grateful for my 2 mothers.

My mom is an example to me in every way. She is the most spiritual woman I know. I never got away with anything that I did wrong growing up. Somehow, she knew the second I looked her in the eye. There were many, many times in life that I have made a better choice just because I knew that I would have to face her eventually and didn't want to disappoint her. Thanks mom for being so patient and always seeing the best in me and my potential, especially when I didn't see it myself. I hope to be that same kind of mother to my own children.

(My mom with me. I think my mom is so pretty. And you gotta love that hair!)

I also am so very grateful for the mother who raised my dear husband. I do not use the word mother-in-law - she is my mother. I couldn't ask for more kindness and acceptance from her. Despite the fact that I am highly opinionated and at times fairly strong headed, she loves me and has always treated me as her daughter. She is so very talented and raised a son who treats me like a queen. She really is awesome!

(I really love this old picture of her! There aren't a lot of pictures of her before she came from Tonga. This was around the time Hema was born. She is such a beauty!)

Today I am also so grateful for Katie and Chelise and that I get to be a mother myself because of them. They are not just birth mothers - they are the first mothers of my children. They are mothers in every sense of the word and I love them!

I cannot go through a Mother's Day without remembering those many years of pain and longing to be a mother. I pray for all women today. Especially those who wish they were married, or that they had children, or maybe more children, or have lost children or have other heartache in their lives related to this overwhelming desire to nurture and love and fulfill what we as women are here on this earth to do. I love in the Relief Society declaration where is says that we, "Find nobility in motherhood and joy in womanhood." I am so very grateful for the increased understanding I have as a mother because of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I know that each of our hearts can be healed through the gospel.

I am so grateful to be the mother of Hema and Vela. I love them more than I can express in words. I strive to be better each day for them. Even though I am so imperfect - I pray that they will be better than me. They bring me so much joy. I am so blessed and so grateful - yet there is still longing. And I still pray for those sweet children that I hope will one day join my family. That will one day call me mother. I pray that there will be more and that at some point in this life, I will feel like my family is complete. That my heart will be completely full and I will not feel like something is still missing. But for now, I will celebrate what I have. I am a mother. I am so very blessed!

This is Heaven!!

Anyone who knows me knows that I've always wanted a lots of kids. Well, our infertility has certainly put a kink in our plans of a big family, so this weekend we decided if we can't have them - we'll borrow them! It's been a blast. My brother Jake and his wife are in Florida and left their 5 kids with us. Then on Friday night Jess and Sterling had a wedding dinner so their 2 little ones were over too. Here are all nine little cuties! Hema and Vela have been loving having all the cousins to play with. They sure are going to be sad on Tuesday when everyone goes home.

Then just to add to the fun, we got to watch football today and the weather couldn't have been better. My cousin Dalton is playing at Snow college and we went down to his spring scrimmage. We all had fun and Dalton did great. He is a good example for the kids. He graduated early from high school - this is his senior year - and is not only doing well in football - he is doing great in school.
Here we are with Dalton, his brother Dillon, my dad and my aunt Kris. Well, I better get moving to bed. We'll see if it's still heaven trying to get 7 little ones to church by 9:00 am with Hema in meetings tomorrow morning! ;)

Another Goodie!

Today has been a pretty busy day. Hema had preschool, I ran None up to Salt Lake, stopped and bought Little Hema's Christmas present from a creepy guy off of KSL.com in Murray, Vela had a swim lesson, Little Hema had swim team, Little Hema and I had his music class and tonight I have an adoption meeting about keeping up relationships with birth families. I'm sure most of you do 10 times that much every day, but that is busy for me. No real time to blog. Thought I'd post another You Tube video I like. I know her voice gets a little annoying at the end - but I still like it! Enjoy!

More thoughts on Adoption!

I was talking to someone the other day and they were really surprised to hear that we are trying to adopt again. They said that it just seems like there area so many people trying to adopt, that they are surprised that we would want more than 2 kids. I explained that we are not just trying to adopt a baby - we are trying to adopt our baby! Babies are not placed for adoption based on a first come first serve basis. I know that my children have come to our family because they are supposed to be with our family. That is one thing that has kept me from feeling bitter towards women who can get pregnant or other women who adopt when we are trying. I do not believe that there is a line for getting a baby, and by someone else getting their baby, they have somehow cut in line in front of me and that is why mine isn't here yet. I hope that my family and friends and neighbors and really anyone out there who wants to be a mother gets that chance - I would not wish infertility on anyone. It would be a terrible thing to not be able to rejoice with those around me, especially those I love, when they experience the birth of a child. I am so grateful to know that through adoption, my children are joining my family - just as my Heavenly Father intended it to be.

Tender Mercies

Today we had the opportunity to go to the Jordan River temple with Hema's youngest sister Lepeka. It was her first time to go through the temple and it was amazing. Many of our family members had conflicts and weren't able to be there with us, but it was wonderful to be there with Hema's parents and 3 of his sisters. Here is a photo of Hema, Becky, Hema's Dad, Lepeka, Hema's Mom, Salote and Fatai (2 of Hema's other sisters).I have been praying for a little extra help in being patient as we wait for our next baby. Today I was granted a tender mercy from the Lord. I prayed as I was getting dressed in the temple to receive a little extra comfort - something to remind me that the Lord is aware of me and my desire to bring another baby into our family. My prayer was answered as I picked up the card with the name of the person for whom I was serving as proxy, the first name of the person was the very same name (which is not super common) that we have chosen to name our next daughter. I immediately was brought to tears. I do not believe that it was coincidence. It was the Lord's was of saying - she is coming, hang in there! Throughout the nearly 12 years that we have been experiencing infertility, I have had more experiences like this than I can count. I have seen time and again comfort come from on high just when I think I might be too weak or too sad or too tired to press forward. I am so very grateful for the tender mercies of my Father in Heaven as I travel along my journey in adoption.

**Do you have questions about LDS temples?? Click on this link!!

Check out these little miracles....

I believe that there is a special bond between adoptive parents, there is just sort of a different understanding that we all share. It is hard to express in words the feeling of someone giving you the gift of a child, something that you couldn't do on your own. You have such a deep love for those amazing first parents to the child - the birth parents. We have siblings that have adopted, cousins, friends and neighbors. We have also met some of the most incredible people who we now call friends through adoption. One of those friends of mine is Rachelle. Rachelle and I have a lot in common: our husbands are both LCSW's, we are both primary presidents in the same stake, we've both been married about 12 years, and we both struggle with infertility. I met Rachelle through her blog. We have never met face to face, but she is definitely a friend. Rachelle and her husband waited over 12 years to welcome a baby into their home. Then, in the past 2 months they have welcomed 2 little miracles (the second one joined their family just yesterday). Such sweet babies. You can really have to click on this link and see these babies! We are so very happy for them. Adoption has been a constant reminder that prayers are answered. It's always sweet seeing someone get the babies that are meant to come to them. Congrats again Rachelle!!

**By the way, Hema put the Christmas lights up outside today! I love this time of year!

National Adoption Month

November is National Adoption Month and I L.O.V.E. adoption so I thought I'd post some of my feelings. I plan to do some sort of an adoption post each day for the rest of the month. Some may be funny, some may be sad, but all of them will be about the greatest miracle in my life. Hope you don't mind.

We have 2 incredible little ones and I am so grateful every single minute of every single day to be their mom. But I don't feel like our family is done. It's funny because often when I run unto people and they ask how many kids I have and I tell them 2, they always say stuff like, "Oh that is perfect a boy and a girl." And it is perfect. I love them and they bring us so much joy. But we don't feel complete. Sometimes I ache inside just wondering if I will ever feel like we are complete. Is this just how women with infertility feel until the eternities, when we will have all the children we could dream of? Or will there come a time when I will know that for now, my family here is complete and I will feel that peace? Do women that don't struggle with infertility know when they are done? Do they just feel done because they get to choose and actually have some control over it? Just some questions I have.

Here's another question that I've been wondering about. Why is adoption so expensive? I got an email last night from an agency that has a healthy baby boy ready to pick up today. Why don't I just have the $32,000 to go pick that baby up. I mean really, who just has that kind of money laying around?

I am so grateful for LDS Family Services. They are so super affordable in comparison to most other agencies. We are very blessed to have been able to adopt our two through them. They have been great to work with and great to our birth moms. Boy are we lucky to be members of the church.

We've been approved through LDS again since early this year. We pray each day (many times a day) that another birth mother will be led to us, and that we will be the answer to one another's prayers. That we will welcome another baby (or two or three!) into our home and family. It is such a blessing to know that our Father in Heaven has a plan for us, and for our family. I know He is aware of me, of my children of the sweet birth parents. I am so grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ and the peace that I have had throughout our struggle with infertility. I do not believe that I could do this alone.

Mothers

Mothers Day brings out so many emotions for me. In the past it was a day that was sad and reminded me of the fact that I was not a mother. We started going to Snowbird over Mothers Day each year because I hated sitting in sacrament meeting while I tried not to sob and then feeling like I always got the pity flower after church even though I wasn't actually a mom. Then came Hema, everything changed then and I was sobbing in sacrament meeting because I was so grateful to finally be a mom. But Mothers Day is also bittersweet because I know that it is a tough day for our sweet birth mothers. Yesterday was Birth Mothers Day (a little known fact) and we went down to Provo High and went to a Birth Mothers Walk that Families Supporting Adoption held. It was awesome to see all those families who had been blessed by adoption. The kids had a blast. They had games, food, balloons, frisbee and fun.

It was a great event!! I love anything that honors birth mothers. I love my birth moms so much. Katie and Chelise are two of the most amazing women I have ever met. It takes an incredible amount of faith and love to place a child for adoption. It is something that I think most people can't even begin to comprehend. You often hear the saying, It's About Love, and it really is. I know that Mothers Day is a difficult day for birth mothers and truly wish all birth mothers a day of peace and love today!!

And now a shout out to some of my favorite Mothers...
Katie is Hema's birth mother. We have know Katie for over 4 years now and she is amazing! We got to see her last night and it was wonderful to visit with her. Little Hema just loves Katie. She is doing so great. Little Hema fell asleep before we dropped her off, but she didn't mind. Words can't express our love for Katie - we wish everything wonderful for her and hope that she knows how very much she is loved!!

Chelise is Vela's birth mother. Chelise is such a good mom. She has a sweet daughter who is older than Vela and I have never seen Chelise be unkind or impatient with her. She works so hard and really dedicates herself to being a good mother. She is such a beautiful person and we love and respect her so much too. It is hard to really express in words the love and gratitude we have for her, the person that brought Vela into our family. We didn't have a chance to see Chelise, but wish her the best Mothers Day ever too!!

Then there are my mothers, Mom Hawkins (I love this picture of my mom and me)and Mom Katoa. Two strong women who are examples to me in so many ways! My mother has overcome so much in her lifetime. She really dedicated herself to being a mother. She was and is always there for me. I have learned so much from her. She is the best cook, keeps a seriously clean house, has the faith to create miracles, is an amazing gardener, is a loyal friend and a million other things. She really has been such a great example to me! I hope to be the kind of mother she is and to raise a righteous, loving family as she has. My other mom, Mom Katoa, is also amazing. She has never treated me as an in-law, but always as a daughter. I have learned so much from her. She is so talented (the best cook and can sew anything without a pattern) and such a dedicated mother and grandmother. She works faithfully in her service in the church and the temple. She is always cooking, sewing or crocheting things for others. And most importantly, she raised my husband to be the best husband ever and for that I owe her eternally.

Happy Mothers Day to all of you friends, sisters, family, strangers... anyone who may read this blog. Some of you may have already raised your children, some are raising them now, others hoping for children in the future, and some wishing it could be in this lifetime. To all of you amazing women: HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!

I have been blessed....

... with infertility!! Lately I have been thinking a lot about my infertility and the effect in has had on who I am. Through the years, I never thought I would be able to say the infertility has been a blessing in my life. Yet it has, and it is. This may be a long post, but it has been on my mind a lot lately and I want to put my thoughts and feelings into words. I often try to avoid discussing our infertility for many reasons: it often makes me cry, I think that it makes others uncomfortable, I hate to sound like "poor me", I think it might make others less likely to share their good baby news (which I really do want to hear!), etc.... But it is sort of like the elephant in the room, it is there in a big way. This may be too much information for some of you. Feel free to stop reading if you'd like. This post is for me more than anyone else.

I can't remember a time in my life when I didn't want to be a mother more than anything else! I mean, I was still playing dolls in Jr High! I not only wanted to be a mother, I did all I could to prepare myself. When Hema and I got married over 11 years ago, we wanted to have at least 8 kids. We both would have loved to have a dozen. Seriously! Here are a few memories that have been playing over and over in my head lately.

-We decided to wait a few months after getting married before trying to have kids. I didn't get on birth control or anything like that. On our wedding night I started to cry and told Hema I didn't want to wait. I remember him saying "we are not discussing this tonight." I felt so strongly from the beginning the desire to be a mother!

-After trying to get pregnant for just over a year, I went to an infertility doctor. I remember looking at her success stories on a bulletin board in her waiting room - pictures of babies - lots of multiple births - hoping and praying that my babies would soon be on that board. Several tests later I got a phone call. I was at home in our apartment in Salt Lake. She simply explained the test result and said that we would never have kids, there was nothing more she could do. I hung up the phone and dropped to my knees. I cried and prayed and cried. I wanted it to be wrong. Who gives that kind of information over the phone anyway? I remember drying my eyes and praying for strength before Hema came home. I knew he would be crushed. I didn't want to make it worse for him. Those were the hardest words I've ever had to say to him.

-We decided to adopt. I can't remember an exact moment - we just knew that was our path. We each had a sibling who had adopted. We loved those children and knew they were meant for our family. We knew the children we brought into our home through adoption would be ours. It would be okay.

-Our papers had been in with LDS Family Services for a couple of months, we received a phone call. Our worker told us that a birth mom had chosen us. We were thrilled. We prepared. The baby was born. Plans were made. Airline tickets purchased and hotel reservations made. I gave notice at my job - leaving for my dream job of motherhood. Another phone call...she decided not to place. That was the darkest time in my life. I will never blame that birth mother. I would not want her to place if it wasn't her decision. But it hurt so deeply.

-I took the crib to DI (yes it was new). I repainted the nursery. I bought new nursery bedding. I spent hours in the nursery rocking that green blanket my visiting teacher had given me for that baby that didn't happen. I wondered if I would ever be a mother. I spent so much time in the temple. I was angry - I had done what the Lord had asked. I read and reread my patriarchal blessing. I prayed so much. Hema was there for me every minute - so patient - so understanding - such a rock.

-Nearly a year and a half later we were in Park City for a sisters trip. My mom and Tyra suggested a family fast for our adoption work. The following Monday we got that call - again. I felt so calm. This would be our baby. We met Katie. Katie who changed our lives forever. We love Katie.

-I was at Marilee's house. She was moving in. I got the phone call that Hema was born. She said he had the darkest most beautiful eyes. I thought all babies had blue eyes at birth. I didn't help Marilee at all. I mostly cried. He would be in the hospital four days before we met him.

-We walked into that room. Katie came in and her cry was so painful. Hema did have dark beautiful eyes. He was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. I wished I could take Katie home too. Words can not describe her sacrifice! I held him in my arms and all of the pain and sorrow that had built up over those 7 1/2 years, melted away in seconds. I was a mother. Everything changed. Everything.

-One year later we submitted our papers again. It wasn't as hard this time. My heart wasn't nearly as tender. I had Hema. We were approved in November and the wait began.

-In July I felt it...she was coming. I needed to prepare. I was going on vacation for 2 weeks and then coming home to have my thyroid removed. I prepared the nursery and left on vacation. Shortly after surgery we got the call - she would arrive in October. We met Chelise, Sioeli and Leiana. They were so wonderful. I felt that same calm. This baby would be ours. It was hard to see them in this hard situation. They are such wonderful people. She was born. We met her that day at the hospital. And her birth grandmother. I could see the sacrifice that she felt. Adoption is so beautiful. It is a miracle - yet is is HARD and touches so many lives! We picked Vela up when she was about 30 hours old. She was perfect. Little Hema was so excited - he has always loved her so much.

-At the Draper temple open house we took Hemas brother and his wife. Little Hema explained in the sealing room. That is where your daddy kneels, that is where your mommy kneels and your sister will be there. He was 2 1/2 when Vela was sealed and he remembers it. What a blessing that he remembers being at the temple. How many kids have that opportunity?

-Our papers are in again - we are waiting. We know that there is no way to speed up this process - we will wait for our baby to come. We will get calls about birth moms. They will look at our file and consider us. Yet we will wait for the birth parents who are led to our family. We will wait to feel that calm feeling - the Spirit telling us that the right baby is on it's way. It will happen again. For now we wait.

I have learned so much through this all. I have grown and been stretched so far that it really hurt!! There were times that I thought it was too far. I thought I would break. I felt alone. I was never alone. I had Hema. Hema. What would I ever do without Hema? Our relationship was always strong. But now it is stronger. I love Hema - so much.

My families (Hawkins and Katoa) have been there for me every minute. They are the best. They have cried with me, prayed for me, fasted for me. They have rejoiced with us and loved our children. I'm sure that there have been moments when they have shown restraint when they wanted to share their happy news. Times when they felt guilty for getting pregnant easily or complaining about being uncomfortable while they were expecting. I have never once wished this on any of them. I have truly been happy for every niece and nephew. I know that they have not cut in line for a baby and taken mine. They have been so understanding. Thank you, a million thank yous!

I have my faith. I thought I was strong growing up. I knew what was right. I knew what I wanted. I served a mission and I had a testimony. Thank goodness for my mission. I learned to trust the Spirit. I learned how aware of me my Heavenly Father really is. But now, now I know that He has a plan for me. His plan has brought me true joy. I have grown and although it isn't the plan I had in mind, I am so happy with where it has taken me.

I have met so many amazing people who share this infertility thing. Some of them have had children, some want more, some can't stay pregnant, some have adopted, some are still waiting, all have felt that deep longing. Only your child can fill that empty space. Only your child can heal that wound. I have sisters, sister-in-laws, neighbors, strangers and friends who have struggled or are struggling with this. I have felt their pain. I have prayed and pleaded for them. I have on occasion prayed that if only one prayer could be answered, it would be theirs - not mine. I love these women. I am not alone in this.

I have been blessed with the 2 sweetest, most beautiful, loving children ever. They make me so happy. I hope to be the kind of mother that they deserve. I pray that I can provide all that their birth parents hoped they would have. All of the love, the gospel, everything good. I hope to live up to what these two deserve. It is true that I would never have chosen to experience infertility, but I am at peace with it. I know that this is the path that is right for me. I know that it will be okay. I know that one day we will have thousands of dozens of children if we are faithful. I still cry, but now I cry because I am grateful, because I am happy, because I have been blessed with infertility!!

And Happy 88th Birthday to my sweet grandpa David Henry Hawkins!! We love you and are so grateful for you in our lives!!