... with infertility!! Lately I have been thinking a lot about my infertility and the effect in has had on who I am. Through the years, I never thought I would be able to say the infertility has been a blessing in my life. Yet it has, and it is. This may be a long post, but it has been on my mind a lot lately and I want to put my thoughts and feelings into words. I often try to avoid discussing our infertility for many reasons: it often makes me cry, I think that it makes others uncomfortable, I hate to sound like "poor me", I think it might make others less likely to share their good baby news (which I really do want to hear!), etc.... But it is sort of like the elephant in the room, it is there in a big way. This may be too much information for some of you. Feel free to stop reading if you'd like. This post is for me more than anyone else.
I can't remember a time in my life when I didn't want to be a mother more than anything else! I mean, I was still playing dolls in Jr High! I not only wanted to be a mother, I did all I could to prepare myself. When Hema and I got married over 11 years ago, we wanted to have at least 8 kids. We both would have loved to have a dozen. Seriously! Here are a few memories that have been playing over and over in my head lately.
-We decided to wait a few months after getting married before trying to have kids. I didn't get on birth control or anything like that. On our wedding night I started to cry and told Hema I didn't want to wait. I remember him saying "we are not discussing this tonight." I felt so strongly from the beginning the desire to be a mother!
-After trying to get pregnant for just over a year, I went to an infertility doctor. I remember looking at her success stories on a bulletin board in her waiting room - pictures of babies - lots of multiple births - hoping and praying that my babies would soon be on that board. Several tests later I got a phone call. I was at home in our apartment in Salt Lake. She simply explained the test result and said that we would never have kids, there was nothing more she could do. I hung up the phone and dropped to my knees. I cried and prayed and cried. I wanted it to be wrong. Who gives that kind of information over the phone anyway? I remember drying my eyes and praying for strength before Hema came home. I knew he would be crushed. I didn't want to make it worse for him. Those were the hardest words I've ever had to say to him.
-We decided to adopt. I can't remember an exact moment - we just knew that was our path. We each had a sibling who had adopted. We loved those children and knew they were meant for our family. We knew the children we brought into our home through adoption would be ours. It would be okay.
-Our papers had been in with LDS Family Services for a couple of months, we received a phone call. Our worker told us that a birth mom had chosen us. We were thrilled. We prepared. The baby was born. Plans were made. Airline tickets purchased and hotel reservations made. I gave notice at my job - leaving for my dream job of motherhood. Another phone call...she decided not to place. That was the darkest time in my life. I will never blame that birth mother. I would not want her to place if it wasn't her decision. But it hurt so deeply.
-I took the crib to DI (yes it was new). I repainted the nursery. I bought new nursery bedding. I spent hours in the nursery rocking that green blanket my visiting teacher had given me for that baby that didn't happen. I wondered if I would ever be a mother. I spent so much time in the temple. I was angry - I had done what the Lord had asked. I read and reread my patriarchal blessing. I prayed so much. Hema was there for me every minute - so patient - so understanding - such a rock.
-Nearly a year and a half later we were in Park City for a sisters trip. My mom and Tyra suggested a family fast for our adoption work. The following Monday we got that call - again. I felt so calm. This would be our baby. We met Katie. Katie who changed our lives forever. We love Katie.
-I was at Marilee's house. She was moving in. I got the phone call that Hema was born. She said he had the darkest most beautiful eyes. I thought all babies had blue eyes at birth. I didn't help Marilee at all. I mostly cried. He would be in the hospital four days before we met him.
-We walked into that room. Katie came in and her cry was so painful. Hema did have dark beautiful eyes. He was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. I wished I could take Katie home too. Words can not describe her sacrifice! I held him in my arms and all of the pain and sorrow that had built up over those 7 1/2 years, melted away in seconds. I was a mother. Everything changed. Everything.
-One year later we submitted our papers again. It wasn't as hard this time. My heart wasn't nearly as tender. I had Hema. We were approved in November and the wait began.
-In July I felt it...she was coming. I needed to prepare. I was going on vacation for 2 weeks and then coming home to have my thyroid removed. I prepared the nursery and left on vacation. Shortly after surgery we got the call - she would arrive in October. We met Chelise, Sioeli and Leiana. They were so wonderful. I felt that same calm. This baby would be ours. It was hard to see them in this hard situation. They are such wonderful people. She was born. We met her that day at the hospital. And her birth grandmother. I could see the sacrifice that she felt. Adoption is so beautiful. It is a miracle - yet is is HARD and touches so many lives! We picked Vela up when she was about 30 hours old. She was perfect. Little Hema was so excited - he has always loved her so much.
-At the Draper temple open house we took Hemas brother and his wife. Little Hema explained in the sealing room. That is where your daddy kneels, that is where your mommy kneels and your sister will be there. He was 2 1/2 when Vela was sealed and he remembers it. What a blessing that he remembers being at the temple. How many kids have that opportunity?
-Our papers are in again - we are waiting. We know that there is no way to speed up this process - we will wait for our baby to come. We will get calls about birth moms. They will look at our file and consider us. Yet we will wait for the birth parents who are led to our family. We will wait to feel that calm feeling - the Spirit telling us that the right baby is on it's way. It will happen again. For now we wait.
I have learned so much through this all. I have grown and been stretched so far that it really hurt!! There were times that I thought it was too far. I thought I would break. I felt alone. I was never alone. I had Hema. Hema. What would I ever do without Hema? Our relationship was always strong. But now it is stronger. I love Hema - so much.
My families (Hawkins and Katoa) have been there for me every minute. They are the best. They have cried with me, prayed for me, fasted for me. They have rejoiced with us and loved our children. I'm sure that there have been moments when they have shown restraint when they wanted to share their happy news. Times when they felt guilty for getting pregnant easily or complaining about being uncomfortable while they were expecting. I have never once wished this on any of them. I have truly been happy for every niece and nephew. I know that they have not cut in line for a baby and taken mine. They have been so understanding. Thank you, a million thank yous!
I have my faith. I thought I was strong growing up. I knew what was right. I knew what I wanted. I served a mission and I had a testimony. Thank goodness for my mission. I learned to trust the Spirit. I learned how aware of me my Heavenly Father really is. But now, now I know that He has a plan for me. His plan has brought me true joy. I have grown and although it isn't the plan I had in mind, I am so happy with where it has taken me.
I have met so many amazing people who share this infertility thing. Some of them have had children, some want more, some can't stay pregnant, some have adopted, some are still waiting, all have felt that deep longing. Only your child can fill that empty space. Only your child can heal that wound. I have sisters, sister-in-laws, neighbors, strangers and friends who have struggled or are struggling with this. I have felt their pain. I have prayed and pleaded for them. I have on occasion prayed that if only one prayer could be answered, it would be theirs - not mine. I love these women. I am not alone in this.
I have been blessed with the 2 sweetest, most beautiful, loving children ever. They make me so happy. I hope to be the kind of mother that they deserve. I pray that I can provide all that their birth parents hoped they would have. All of the love, the gospel, everything good. I hope to live up to what these two deserve. It is true that I would never have chosen to experience infertility, but I am at peace with it. I know that this is the path that is right for me. I know that it will be okay. I know that one day we will have thousands of dozens of children if we are faithful. I still cry, but now I cry because I am grateful, because I am happy, because I have been blessed with infertility!!
And Happy 88th Birthday to my sweet grandpa David Henry Hawkins!! We love you and are so grateful for you in our lives!!
tapa cloths, money, food, and all that and then there was this...
On Saturday we were over by the dino museum and the kids wanted to ride the 
Little Hema loves to run up and down these steps - it's no wonder he is tired when we leave!
We love to feed the fish.
There is so much to see at the gardens. Right now there are over a quarter million bulbs bloom in the 55-acre garden paradise. There are over four miles of winding paths and we love to spend time there. It is a nice change from all the time we spent at the dino museum during the winter. 
I just realized we didn't get any shots of us with the tulips, so I threw this picture in. I know it's not to impressive, but hey it has tulips! 
The weather has been nice lately and we have walked down to the park a bunch. Hema thinks he is big stuff 
And go down on the field and play a little football with 
For dessert I made a chocolate chocolate chip bundt cake. Little Hema wanted to know who's birthday it was. I told him grandpa was turning 62 in about a week and great grandpa would be 88 on the 26th. He couldn't wait to sing 
There is a huge tree with a fun swing that the kids love to swing in. 
All the kids love to help grandpa feed the horses.
Every holiday has been extra fun this year because Hema really gets it now. He was so excited to see what the Easter Bunny would bring him. He kept telling me that the Easter Bunny always brings bubbles, so I had to make a quick trip to the store last night and pick up a bubble gun so that he wouldn't be disappointed!
Our neighborhood does a egg hunt. It is really fun, even if it is raining! 
We had a great day and Daddy Hema even got some fishing in. By 5:30 we had eaten dinner and bathed the kids and the were excited to put on their new jammies. 
I love reading with my kids! My parents gave me this book when I was 5 years old and I can remember them reading to me from it.
10 years ago
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